Stupid American History: Tales of Stupidity, Strangeness, and Mythconceptions Read online

  CASHING OUT

  When Grover Cleveland was drafted into the Union Army during the Civil War, he did what any other red-blooded American would do: He paid a substitute $150 to take his place. What Cleveland did was completely legal under the terms of the Conscription Act of 1863. Yep, you could pay some poor sap a couple hundred dollars and he would go fight in your place. Cleveland decided he should stay at home and support his mother and sister while his two brothers were off fighting for the Union. His actions were made a part of his opponent’s campaign during Cleveland’s presidential race; but because it was legal, it had no impact on the voters.

  WHAT’S THE FLAPPER ALL ABOUT?

  We’ve all heard glamorous stories of the Roaring Twenties, traditionally viewed as an era of great economic prosperity before the Great Crash of’ 29, when everyone was living high on the hog. But like many generalizations, it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. In fact, according to the Brookings Institution, although a handful of people did make fortunes, most people didn’t get the lion’s share of the Roaring Twenties. In 1929, 60 percent of American families had annual incomes of $2,000 or less [and 42 percent of these had annual incomes of less than $1,500]. In 1929, families making less than $2,000 did not have enough money to meet the bare necessities of life—meaning nearly two-thirds of the population lived in poverty.

  STRETCHING THE TRUTH

  Although lynching was popularized during the Old West, the practice actually started during the American Revolution. Colonel Charles Lynch, a justice of the peace and farmer before the war, led a group of vigilantes to dispense swift and final justice on British supporters and outlaws. Soon, stringing someone up without a trial became known as “lynching,” and the groups that performed the activity were called “lynch mobs.”

  On Christmas Day in 1868, President Andrew Johnson’s last significant act was granting unconditional amnesty to all Confederate soldiers for their actions in the Civil War. Confederate President Jefferson Davis declined to accept it.

  HIS FINAL BOW

  As one of his last official acts as president, Bill Clinton took it upon himself to take care of the number six man on the Department of Justice’s list of “Most Wanted” international fugitives, Marc Rich. He gave him a full presidential pardon. But Rich wasn’t the only beneficiary of Clinton’s exit strategy: Carlos Anibal Vignali, who was serving fifteen years in prison for organized cocaine trafficking, got his prison sentence commuted, as did Almon Glenn Braswell, who had been convicted of mail fraud and perjury. In all, Clinton pardoned 140 people in the final days of his administration.

  Hugh Rodham, brother of Hillary Rodham Clinton, lobbied the president for some of these pardons, receiving $400,000 in compensation. When ethical questions were raised [surprise], Rodham returned the money.

  WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

  The Pilgrims who sailed on the Mayflower never referred to themselves as “Pilgrims.” More than likely, they called themselves “Separatists” or even “Saints.” The name “Pilgrim” was bestowed on them after the fact and was taken from William Bradford’s journal [written between 1620 and 1647], Of Plimoth Plantation [in contemporary spelling, Of Plymouth Plantation] Bradford gave this name to his fellow travelers because a “pilgrim” is someone who takes a pilgrimage or an extensive journey to a holy location. Even though less than half of the 102 passengers on board the Mayflower were on a religious pilgrimage, Bradford referred to everyone on the voyage as pilgrims.

  IN 1643, THE COLONY OF NEW PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS,

  IMPOSED THE FIRST RECORDED INCOME TAX IN AMERICA.

  A FLAGGING INTEREST

  In paintings, movies, and on television, we’re given the impression that worshipping the flag was something all devout Americans have done since the War of Independence, but that’s not exactly the way it was. Schools were not required to fly the flag until 1890. Pledging allegiance to the flag wasn’t instituted until 1892, and saluting the flag didn’t happen until the time of the Spanish-American War in 1898. It wasn’t until 1916 that Flag Day was observed as a national holiday, and the flag code, the proper way to treat and dispose of flags, was not approved by Congress until 1942 and didn’t become a federal law until 1976.

  AND SEE WHO SALUTES IT

  So if Betsy Ross didn’t design the first flag, who did? That person was probably Francis Hopkinson. On May 25, 1780, he wrote a letter to the Continental Board of Admiralty requesting a reward of “a Quarter Cask of the public Wine” for several patriotic designs he had created during the previous three years, including “the Flag of the United States of America.” The request was sent to the Treasury Board, which turned it down in an October 27, 1780, report to Congress. The Board based their decision on the fact that Hopkinson “was not the only person consulted on those exhibitions of Fancy, and therefore cannot claim the sole merit of them and not entitled to the full sum charged.”

  FLAG RUNNER UP

  We know Betsy Ross was a poor, recently widowed, struggling seamstress who was secretly approached by General George Washington and two others, at a clandestine nighttime meeting. They begged for her help in creating the flag. So who is this Francis Hopkinson fellow trying to steal all the glory for creating Old Glory? Hopkinson was an American author, and, as a delegate from New Jersey, he was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

  IN THE WRONG KEY

  Some mistakenly believe that Francis Scott Key was an avid supporter of the War of 1812 and a known patriot—he was neither. Key was on board the British ship HMS Tonnant accompanied by American prisoner exchange agent Colonel John Stuart Skinner to negotiate the freeing of a political prisoner. In fact, Key was against the War of 1812, condemning “this abominable war” as a “lump of wickedness,” and writing his mother that he thought the United States was the aggressor in the conflict and deserved defeat.

  IN 1861, FRANCIS SCOTT KEY’S GRANDSON WAS IMPRISONED

  IN FORT MCHENRY (WHERE FRANCIS SAW THAT “THE FLAG WAS STILL THERE”) ALONG WITH THE MAYOR OF BALTIMORE AND OTHER LOCALS DEEMED TO BE PRO-SOUTH.

  THE ODD COUPLE

  It’s a romantic image to think of two of our founding fathers and best friends, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, both dying on the Fourth of July in 1826 [exactly fifty years after the adoption of the Declaration of Independence]. Each was thinking of the other just before he died. Adams is even supposed to have remarked just before he passed away, “Jefferson still survives.” But were they friends? Well, just five years before their deaths, Adams accused Jefferson of plagiarizing the Declaration of Independence from the Mecklenburg Declaration, a document of North Carolina independence, which supposedly dated back to 1775. “Mr. Jefferson,” Adams wrote a friend, “must have seen it, in the time of it, for he has copied the spirit, the sense, and the expressions of it verbatim, into his Declaration of the 4th of July, 1776.” The authenticity of the Mecklenburg Declaration of Independence is still in question.

  RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’RE NOT SURE

  Between 1892 and 1942, Americans were taught to salute the flag with the so-called Bellamy salute [named after Francis Bellamy, 1855–1931, to accompany the Pledge of Allegiance, which he had written]: The “right hand [is] lifted, palm downward, to a line with the forehead and close to it.” But when the Nazis came into power, their salute and the American salute looked a little too similar for comfort. So, by order of Congress in 1942, Americans began “saluting” the flag by putting their right hand over their hearts.

  “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands; one Nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” President Dwight Eisenhower signed a bill into law on Flag Day [June 14, 1954] that added the words “under God” after “one Nation.”

  TA-DA!

  To commemorate the death of master magician Harry Houdini, Joseph W. “Amazing Joe” Burrus tried to better one of Houdini’s famous stunts on October 31, 1990. Burrus was chained and locked, placed in
a clear plastic coffin of his own making, and lowered into the ground. Then dirt and finally seven tons of concrete were poured on top of the coffin. Before Burrus could escape, the weight of the concrete crushed the coffin, and he died exactly sixty-four Halloweens from the day the Great Houdini died. J. D. Bristow, the stuntman’s assistant on the fatal night, said Burrus made no attempt to calculate the weight of the dirt and concrete and tested the strength of the plastic coffin simply by jumping on it.

  WHEN THE CIVIL WAR STARTED, UNION GENERAL

  ULYSSES S. GRANT OWNED SLAVES, BUT CONFEDERATE

  GENERAL ROBERT E. LEE DID NOT.

  A HOUSE DIVIDED

  Fighting in the Civil War wasn’t all about glory, romanticism, unifying the country, or even freeing the slaves—it was also about money. More than 100,000 soldiers, mostly immigrants, were hired to fight for the North. However, if you were already rich and didn’t need the money, or you didn’t want to fight in the war, you could legally get out of the conscription by paying a $300 commutation fee. Some well-known people who paid their way out were banker J. P. Morgan and Theodore Roosevelt, Sr., father of President Theodore Roosevelt. But if paying wasn’t an option, then you could do what more than 200,000 Union soldiers did after the war started—they deserted.

  A FAREWELL TO ARMS

  Ernest Hemingway has always been portrayed as a brave, hard-drinking, hard-living hunter, soldier, and writer—but he wasn’t all those things. Hemingway did serve in World War I, but not as a soldier. He was a volunteer with the American Red Cross. He was wounded by mortar fire, but while serving chocolates to the soldiers. He was also in both the Spanish Civil War and World War II, but he served only as a reporter. Apparently, Hemingway’s ability to weave a great story wasn’t confined to the written page; he falsely claimed he was the first American wounded in Italy [after carrying an Italian soldier on his back to safety]. He was never, as he claimed, wounded by machine-gun fire; he didn’t join the Sixty-Ninth Infantry; and he never fought in three major Italian battles.

  HORATIO NO YOU DIDN’T

  The rags-to-riches stories of American author Horatio Alger are considered by many critics to be overly romantic and poorly written. Alger fans didn’t care, because they bought his books by the millions, making him one of the best-selling authors of all times. But the chief complaint about Alger had nothing to do with his literary aptitude, but more with his morality. Alger, it turned out, was a notorious pedophile. According to Unitarian church records, in 1866, when Alger was a young pastor in Brewster, Massachusetts, several boys in his congregation accused him of using his position to take advantage of them sexually. Before he could be punished for his crimes, Alger left town and ended up in New York City, where he became known as a writer of children’s fiction.

  JUST SQUEAKING BY

  Did Mickey Mouse make his debut in the animated short Steamboat Willie? Well, if he did, he wouldn’t be in this book. Actually, Mickey first appeared in a silent film called Plane Crazy, but it was Steamboat Willie that was first shown in public. The movie made its debut at the Colony Theater in New York on November 18, 1928, and was the first cartoon that successfully incorporated synchronized sound. That is why November 18 is officially considered Mickey’s birthday. But what do you get for a mouse that has everything?

  WE DESERVE A BREAK TODAY

  We’ve all heard the name Ray Kroc before—he’s the guy who founded McDonald’s. But if he was the founder, why didn’t he call his franchise Kroc’s, or even McKroc’s? Obviously, no one would eat at a restaurant named McKroc’s, but the real reason is that he wasn’t the restaurant’s founder. Richard and Maurice McDonald opened their first drive-in restaurant near Pasadena, California, and they started McDonald’s in 1940. In 1954, Ray Kroc, who was a milkshake-machine salesman, bought the franchise rights from the brothers and eventually acquired the McDonald’s name for $14 million. He completed his buyout in 1961. So, saying that Ray Kroc founded McDonald’s is, well, a bunch of crock.

  WOODROW WILSON WAS THE ONLY PRESIDENT WITH A PHD.

  HE EARNED IT FROM JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY IN 1886.

  WHAT’S BUGGIN’ YA?

  In 1947, the U.S. Navy’s Mark II computer at Harvard University crashed after a moth got jammed in a relay switch. The operators removed the fried flutter-by and taped it in their logbook alongside the explanation of the occurrence. It’s a true story, but it doesn’t describe the origin of the term “bug” [as in “computer bug”]. A newspaper report from 1889, cited in the Oxford English Dictionary, related that Thomas Edison “had been up the two previous nights searching for a bug in his phonograph.” And the 1934 edition of Webster’s dictionary also gave the definition of bug as it related to a screw-up in a mechanical or electrical device.

  EGG ON HIS FACE

  In case you’ve ever wondered, Eggs Benedict is not named for the famous traitor Benedict Arnold. The origin of the name for the breakfast dish that consists of a half of an English muffin topped with ham or bacon, poached eggs, and hollandaise sauce is a mystery. Lemuel Benedict claimed he concocted the dish in 1894 at the Waldorf Hotel as a hangover remedy. Or maybe it was Commodore E. C. Benedict, or Mrs. Le Grand Benedict, or even the explanation given in the book French Provincial Cooking, which describes a traditional French dish named æufs bénédictine. However the name came about, it definitely has nothing to do with Benedict Arnold because if it was it would more than likely have been called Eggs Arnold.

  AMENDING THE AMENDMENTS

  There’s only been one time in our nation’s history when one amendment to the Constitution was enacted to cancel out an earlier amendment. That took place in 1933 when the Twenty-First Amendment repealed the Eighteenth Amendment, which had prohibited the manufacture, sale, and transportation of liquor in the United States in 1919—basically, the Twenty-First Amendment prohibited Prohibition.

  While a high school student in the early 1930s, Richard Nixon worked for two summers as a barker for the wheel-of-chance at the Slippery Gulch Rodeo in Prescott, Arizona.

  GET THIS PARTY STARTED

  The Republican party likes to refer to itself as the GOP or the Grand Old Party. But that isn’t what GOP always stood for. The initials date back to the 1870s when they stood for “this gallant old party” in the 1875 Congressional Record. There is another reference in 1876 to “Grand Old Party,” and “Get Out and Push” was used as a party slogan in the 1920s. But whether it’s gallant or grand, it isn’t the oldest party. The Democrat party organized in 1830 under Andrew Jackson actually is an off-shoot of the Democratic-Republicans from the era of Thomas Jefferson.

  NEVER MORE

  We all have the image of a stumbling Edgar Allan Poe, stoned out of his mind, passing out on a Baltimore sidewalk shortly before he died. We all know he was macabre, morbid, an alcoholic, and a dope fiend but still one of the greatest writers in American literature and the creator of the detective story. But most of the horrible attributes aren’t true. An envious writer named Rufus Griswold, who wrote a biographical article of Poe called “Memoir of the Author,” created them. Griswold wrote that Poe had “criminal relations with his Mother in Law,” was a drunkard who was kicked out of both the University of Virginia and West Point, and was a depraved, drug-addled madman. Griswold used forged letters supposedly written by Poe to prove his case, and it was from this article that most people have garnered their information.

  IF YOU LICK IT, IT’S A QUARTER

  The United States Post Office printed a new 60-cent stamp in 1999 that commemorated the Grand Canyon. It was a large, beautiful stamp that showed the canyon and bore the words “Grand Canyon, Colorado.” The only problem is the Grand Canyon is in Arizona. Officials decided to destroy all 100 million stamps they had produced at a cost of about $500,000, and they reprinted the stamps with correct wording. The new and improved stamp went on sale in January 2000, but it was soon pointed out that the picture of the Grand Canyon was reversed, creating a mirror image of the canyon. The U.S.P.O. decided that s
ince the stamps were already on sale, they would stick with the new stamp anyway.

  BULLY OR JUST PLAIN BULL?

  The image of hundreds of men on horseback led by a barrel-chested Teddy Roosevelt, sword in hand, yelling “charge” as they conquered San Juan Hill and turned the tide of the Spanish-American War in favor of the Americans is an enduring image. It was that image that Teddy Roosevelt used in his charge into the White House, but it didn’t happen. The “Rough Riders” charged Kettle Hill, not San Juan Hill, on foot because there wasn’t enough room on board the ships for the men, their supplies, and their horses. So even though Roosevelt was famous for saying “bully”—he also said a lot of bull#$&t.