Stupid American History: Tales of Stupidity, Strangeness, and Mythconceptions Page 2

  It’s a well-told story that President Abraham Lincoln once responded to complaints about the drinking habits of General Ulysses S. Grant by saying, “If I knew what brand he used, I’d send every other general in the field a barrel of it.” It’s a great story and really exemplifies Lincoln’s sense of humor, but according to David Homer Bates’s book Lincoln Stories, Lincoln’s response when asked if he had ever made this infamous quip was that he never had said it. Well, at least he was honest.

  A GRAHAM OF GOODNESS

  Presbyterian minister Reverend Sylvester Graham developed the graham cracker in Bound Brook, New Jersey, in 1822, but it wasn’t to complete the recipe for S’mores. In fact, it was created so that people wouldn’t want s’more of anything—especially sex. Graham believed his cracker, along with bland foods and a strict vegetarian diet, could cure not only alcoholism but more important, sexual urges [which he believed to be the source of many maladies]. Graham’s belief that eating pure foods created a purity of mind, spirit, and body influenced several people, including Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of the corn flakes breakfast cereal.

  In 1871, Tucson, Arizona, was the heart of the Wild West, and boasted 3,000 people, two doctors, a newspaper, a brewery, and several salons—but just one bathtub.

  A VEIN ENDEAVOR

  Bloodletting, or bleeding, is now considered an antiquated, useless, and dangerous [sometimes deadly] form of medicine. A great deal of blood is drawn from the patient in the hope that it will balance the four humors of the body [black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood] that were thought to control all bodily functions. Surprisingly, people still practiced bloodletting up into the twentieth century, as this ad from the 1905 Sears catalog proves: “Spring Bleeding Lance. The only practicable, safe and convenient instrument for bleeding on the market. Used almost exclusively by old school physicians for the purpose.” Still, it sounds better than one of the other old school practices—leeches.

  DON’T BE SUCH A BABY!

  It’s true that Dr. Benjamin Spock was an American pediatrician whose book Baby and Child Care, published in 1946, is one of publishing’s best sellers of all time. But what’s not true is the rumor that he was jailed for his anti-Vietnam point of view during the 1960s. Spock was arrested in 1968 and convicted on charges of conspiring to advise young men to avoid the draft, but he appealed the verdict, and his conviction was reversed the following year.

  Before Spock’s groundbreaking childcare book was published, John B. Watson’s 1928 book Psychological Care of Infant and Child was used widely in American hospitals and contained such stern advice as, “Never kiss your children.”

  HI HOE, HI HOE

  On December 25, 1790, twenty-five girls from an asylum in Paris, France, called the Saltpêtrière were sent to the Louisiana colony in America because there were so few women. By their action, the French government also hoped to lure Canadian settlers away from Indian mistresses.

  SELLING YOURSELF SHORT

  Henry John Heinz, president of the H. J. Heinz Company, was riding on an elevated railway in New York City in 1896 when he saw an “advertising card” for shoes that read “21 Styles.” Heinz was taken with the idea of using a number to promote his company and started counting in his head the variety of products his company produced. He easily counted more than sixty but he kept coming back to the number 57. There was something special about the number seven. “Seven, seven,” quoted E. D. McCafferty in his book Henry J. Heinz: a Biography. “There are so many illustrations of the psychological influence of that figure and of its alluring significance to people of all ages and races that ‘58 Varieties’ or ‘59 Varieties’ did not appeal at all to me as being equally strong.” That’s why “57 Varieties” is still the company’s motto.

  A SLAVE TO FASHION

  We are led to believe, in our abbreviated versions of history, that all slave-holding states seceded from the Union during the Civil War, or else they gave up the practice of slavery. But that’s just not true. Kentucky, Missouri, Maryland, and Delaware remained in the Union but continued to allow citizens to own slaves. They were referred to as “border states” and were joined by West Virginia when it was admitted to the Union in 1863 [after it split from the northwestern counties of Virginia after Virginia seceded from the Union]. Once again, this demonstrates that the Civil War was anything but black and white.

  CURTAIN CALL

  On June 13, 1932, twenty-four-year-old actress Peg Entwistle signed a contract for a one-picture deal with RKO Studios and reported early in July to shoot her part as “Hazel Cousins” in Thirteen Women. The film received poor feedback from test screenings, and the studio re-edited the film, greatly reducing Entwistle’s screen time. On September 16, 1932, Entwistle climbed up the giant “H” in the famous Hollywood sign [which read Hollywoodland, at that time] and jumped to her death. In a cruel twist of fate, Entwistle’s uncle opened a letter addressed to the dead actress from the Beverly Hills Playhouse, mailed the day before she jumped. The letter was an offer for Entwistle to play the lead role in a theatrical production in which her character commits suicide.

  There were more than 46,000 write-in votes for Edward “Ted” Kennedy for U.S. senator in 1962. Which isn’t stupid in and of itself—until you discover that the voters lived in Connecticut, while Kennedy was running in Massachusetts.

  BEHIND EVERY GOOD MAN

  On October 2, 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a severe stroke, and he was soon bedridden and incapacitated. The president’s wife, Edith Boiling Galt Wilson, did more than just take control of the president’s recovery; she also took control of the presidency. She would bring important papers to her husband under the guise of explaining them to him, but what she was actually doing was making presidential decisions in his place. For the next six weeks, she was the true power behind the presidency, although she claimed, “I, myself, never made a single decision regarding the disposition of public affairs. The only decision that was mine was what was important and what was not.” She has been labeled “the secret president” and even “the first female president of the United States.” Mrs. Wilson was both criticized and ridiculed by many as the “presidentress” who was running a “petticoat government.”

  SUFFERING SUFFRAGETTE

  There are two women who ran for president who shared a very unusual situation in history. Even though they ran for the office, they couldn’t vote for themselves or anyone else, for that matter. Victoria Claflin Woodhull ran on the National Radical Reform ticket in 1872, and Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood ran on the National Equal Rights ticket in 1884 and 1888. Why could they run for the presidency but not vote in the election? Because both women ran before the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution was ratified in 1920—giving women the right to vote.

  GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CONSTITUTION

  The Twenty-Fifth Amendment authorizing the vice president to take over the presidency if the president is temporarily incapacitated is relatively new, having been enacted in 1967. As of this printing, the amendment has been used only three times:

  On July 13, 1985, President Ronald Reagan underwent surgery to remove cancerous polyps from his colon and Vice President George H. W. Bush took over the presidency.

  On June 29, 2002, Vice President Dick Cheney temporarily took over the presidency when President George W. Bush had a colonoscopy that required sedation.

  On July 21, 2007, President George W. Bush had to undergo the same procedure and Dick Cheney, once again, took over the Oval Office.

  I’m glad the Twenty-Fifth Amendment filled in all the cracks in the transference of presidential powers.

  STRANGE INTERLUDE

  Future Pulitzer prize—winning playwright and Nobel laureate in literature Eugene O’Neill attended Princeton University during the 1907–1908 term, but he was kicked out after his freshman year. He was expelled, not only for poor grades, but also for allegedly being drunk and disorderly at a reception held by the university president, future President
of the United States Woodrow Wilson.

  Every U.S. president with a beard has been a Republican. In case you’re curious, the five bearded presidents were Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford Hayes, James Garfield, and Benjamin Harrison.

  THAT’S SORT OF WEIRD

  On September 11, 2002, the first anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks, the numbers that popped up for the New York Lottery were 9–1–1. So what were the chances of those three numbers coming up on the anniversary of the attacks in the same city in which the attacks took place? Seems like it might be astronomical, but it’s actually the same as any three-number combinations: 1 out of 1,000. Sorry, conspiracy theorists.

  Notorious Wild West “peacekeeper” James Butler “Wild Bill” Hickok shot only two people while presiding over Abilene, Texas; one of them was another policeman.

  JUST FOR THE RECORD

  In the American lexicon there are some words that don’t seem to make sense anymore because their original meanings have been lost. Take, for example, the use of the word “album” for a vinyl record. When records spun at 78 RPM, they could only hold four to five minutes of music per side. So you needed several records if you were listening to a symphony or an opera. The records were packaged in brown paper sleeves that fanned out from inside a leather-bound book that resembled a photo album. Soon, any long-playing record was called an album whether it came in a set or by itself.

  DON’T HAVE A COW, MAN I

  Mickey Mouse is usually a moral, upright do-gooder with a heart of gold. So why would one of his cartoons ever be banned? Well, one was in Ohio in 1932. The cartoon, The Shindig, showed Clarabelle Cow, the first cartoon in which she’s identified by name, in the stable reading a book titled Three Weeks. So what’s the big deal? For one, when her boyfriend Horace Horsecollar knocks on the door, Clarabelle gets up and dresses, so she was technically naked while she was reading the book. The second big deal was that Three Weeks was written by Elinor Glyn, a British novelist and scriptwriter who pioneered mass-market women’s erotic fiction and also coined the use of the word “It” as a euphemism for sex appeal [1920s motion picture sex starlet Clara Bow was called “The It Girl”]. Three Weeks was deemed obscene, banned in Canada in 1907, and condemned by religious leaders in the United States. How it came to be used in a Walt Disney cartoon remains a mystery to this day.

  ALL IN THE FAMILY

  George W. Bush is related to two former presidents: his father, George H. W. Bush [1989–1993], and his fourth cousin five times removed—Franklin Pierce, president from 1853 to 1857. Barbara Pierce Bush is the only woman in U.S. history to be the wife of one president, mother to another, and fourth cousin of another.

  A NEEDLING RUMOR

  You might not know the name Elizabeth Griscom Ross, but if I called her Betsy Ross, you’d say she’s the woman who designed and sewed the first flag. But sewing the flag is a yarn created by Betsy’s grandson, William Canby. Canby first mentioned the moment in March 1870 [thirty-six years after his grandmother had died] before a meeting of the Historical Society of Pennsylvania, claiming Betsy told him about the first flag while on her deathbed when he was eleven. There is proof that Betsy had sewn “ship’s colors” for the Pennsylvania Navy in May 1777 but nothing whatsoever that supports one of the most beloved rumors in American history.

  After Canby’s death, a book called The Evolution of the American Flag was published in 1909, and it used Canby’s claim of the Betsy Ross story as fact. The misinformation spread from there.

  NEVER A TWAIN SHALL MEET

  There are a few things most people know about Mark Twain. One, he is one of the greatest American authors in history. Two, his real name was Samuel Longhorn Clemens. And three, he got his name from the traditional call of Mississippi boaters who announced “Mark Twain” [the second mark on a leadline used to calculate the river’s depth] that indicated two fathoms [twelve feet]-a safe depth for boats to travel. The first two are correct but Clemens didn’t get his name from a nautical term—he Shanghaid it. Captain Isaiah Sellers, a river news correspondent for the New Orleans Picayune, used the name Mark Twain first. When Sellers died in 1863, Clemens began using the name as his own. He explained this personally in a letter, stating, “as he [Sellers] could no longer need that signature, I laid violent hands upon it without asking permission of the proprietor’s remains. That is the history of the nom de plume I bear.”

  MARX ON OUR PAST

  The Pilgrims have come to symbolize the heart of the American spirit. But when they first arrived in Plymouth in 1620, they established their community in a most un-American way—they were communists. Under the Mayflower Compact, the Pilgrims attempted to create a just and equal society; whatever they produced was put into a common warehouse, with each individual getting one equal share. All the land, buildings, and end product were owned communally. How well did it work? Well, you don’t see too many Pilgrims walking around these days, do you? Actually, it only worked for a year or two, and then they changed to that most American economic structure-capitalism.

  LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR ME

  Most cities have what is commonly referred to as a red-light district; a place where prostitutes ply their trade. So why is it called a red-light district? The usually agreed-upon answer is that when railway workers visited “women of the night,” they would hang their red lanterns outside the brothels so they could be found if they were needed.

  ROBERT MCNAMARA, U.S. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

  FROM 1961 TO 1968, HAD A VERY STRANGE MIDDLE NAME:

  STRANGE. HE GOT HIS MIDDLE NAME “STRANGE”

  FROM HIS MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME.

  THE FIRST REAL AMERICAN PRESIDENT

  The first president to be born a citizen of the United States was number eight, Martin Van Buren. He was born on December 5, 1782, six years after the signing of the Constitution. Because all previous presidents had been born before the American Revolution, they were actually British subjects.

  CIVIL WAR UNION GENERAL WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN,

  NAMED AT BIRTH FOR THE NOTORIOUS INDIAN CHIEF,

  ADDED WILLIAM AS HIS FIRST NAME.

  THE PEANUT NUT

  One of the most shining examples of sibling embarrassment for any president had to be Jimmy Carter’s brother, Billy. Billy personified the beer-gutted, beer-swigging hillbilly stereotype, and he was consistently making the news. Once it was for judging and participating in a world championship belly flop competition; another time he even urinated on an airport tarmac while awaiting a delegation of Libyans he was hosting. He even went so far as to accept a $220,000 loan from Libya [at that time, an enemy of the United States], which propelled him once again into the spotlight as the key subject in a federal investigation.

  WHEN BILLY CARTER WAS ASKED WHY HIS BROTHER JIMMY

  DIDN’T TRY TO CONTROL HIS BEHAVIOR, BILLY SAID,

  “I’D TELL HIM TO KISS MY ASS.”

  A CIVIL UNION

  One would think that the Puritans believed in the purity and sanctity of marriage—and they did; they just didn’t think the marriage ceremony should be religious in nature. In fact, in 1647 the Puritans in New England actually outlawed the preaching of wedding ceremonies [the year before they mandated that all wedding ceremonies be conducted by a civil magistrate]. The rationale was that the Puritans believed marriage was a government institution, not a religious one. Before the end of the century, however, the Puritans vowed that it was all right for weddings to take place in a church and allowed both ministers and justices of the peace to perform the ceremony.

  BAD TIMING

  Financial executive and the builder of the Empire State Building, John Jacob Raskob, wrote an article for the Ladies’ Home Journal entitled “Everybody Ought to Be Rich”—just a month before the stock market crashed in October 1929.

  A LEGEND IN HIS OWN MIND

  Legendary Wild West gunman Bat Masterson [William Barclay Masterson, 1853-1921] has been considered a notorious killer for years. The stor
ies of his gun-slinging skills are legendary, and legends they are. It has been reported that Masterson killed twenty-seven men, but according to Robert DeArment’s thoroughly researched biography, he is only credited with killing one person.

  SHOOTING BLANKS

  It is common knowledge that the military purposely puts saltpeter in the food of enlisted men to curb their sexual appetite. It’s well known, all right—but it’s a well-known falsehood. There’s no proof that potassium nitrate [known as saltpeter] has any effect on the libido, one way or the other. One theory as to why this rumor started is simply because the name saltpeter sounds like it might have some negative effect on a service member.